Wanted-Lawyers Who CAN'T pass The Bar

Harrisburg PA

Description

Because my current legal team couldn't file or litigate their way out of a box of Corn Flakes, I am currently looking to replace these incompetent buffoons with new and more-competent nincompoops! You know me, but I just can't come out and say who I am. But, my name has been in all the news lately for, well, you already know about all those classified documents I had stashed away in Melania's closet! Oh DRATS! I gave it away!!!! I never COULD keep a secret! Even Sergei Lavarov said that. I am looking to hire some new 'mouthpieces' and it doesn't matter if they work cheaply or not because I don't intend to pay them. I NEVER pay them anyway so it really doesn't matter-at least to me it doesn't. It's not that I don't have the money to pay for their work, it's just because I prefer to fleece them; I have zillions in the bank because I keep on grifting my supporters-you know, those crazy cultists that keep on sending me money whenever I lie to them by crying poor-mouth. (They're REALLY indoctrinated, but don't tell them either or else I'll have to figure out a NEW grift, and that is really too much work for a snake-oil salesman like myself...maybe I can get Steve Bannon to do it FOR me since Alex Jones is, uh, 'busy' at the moment... So, if any of you out there have a law degree gathering dust from oh, let's say, the defunct Trump University or the Judge Judy School Of Law, or even the Judge Wapner University, I promise I won't be choosy and turn you down. Don't EVER expect to get paid but I WILL let you eat for free at my resort's famous omelette bar. Sorry, no doggie bags and condiments and beverages are extra!!! Please help me!!!! I'm being unfairly persecuted and treated like a common criminal (which I am but I don't want anyone to realize it) and pretty soon I'll be having to sort my favorite Starburst flavors myself!!! The January 6th Committee just won't leave me alone and that crazy lady down in Georgia has it in for me even though I've never done anything wrong in my entire life. I never do anything wrong but the whole world is against me. Should I go and eat some worms? My comrade-in-communism Vladimir won't even take my collect calls anymore and I guess my love affair with Kim Jong-Un is over because he keeps sending me pictures of inmates with shaved heads in orange jumpsuits with my face superimposed on them and personally hand-signed invitations to tour one of his hidden political indoctrination camps that he calls hotels for the non-believers!! Wow, there REALLY IS nothing like a spurned lover, is there? HELP ME!!! Send recurring donations NOW!!! With donations of more than 1 million dollars I'll even throw in a copy of a classified document that Melania kept squirreled away in her undies drawer that those pesky FBI agents missed-but DON'T tell the National Archives or they'll subpoena that too!