Housekeeper

Palm Springs CA

Description

SHOW UP WHENEVER YOU WANT! It does not matter that you selected to work 9-11am or 2-6pm, show up at 17 minutes early even through you know we have a locked gate. Make sure to complain to us that the gate was locked so you could not get in to start early. Oh, wanna leave early and not have all your tasks done? No problem at all. Just leave in the middle of the shift you promised. What’s a few piles of laundry unfolded, and, pots still unwashed? NEED GREEN CASH IMMEDIATELY? Just let us know at the end of your shift…we have an ATM on the premises…better yet, ask us for a cash advance…hey, we are just like all your other clients who have money growing out of their ceilings. BURN HUMAN STAINS INTO WHITE LINENS AND UNDERWEAR? No problem, just ignore our directions to dry all the white cotton with low to medium heat and use the settings on the dryer you were told are way too hot to use. Sweat, egg, blood, and purity of essence permanently bonded to fabrics so our mothers know all our mistakes! WANNA DO IT YOUR WAY? Tell us you will do it our way then just do it your way anyway. If someone tries to tell you how to do something remind them you have been working for 30 years and resent bosses who are always bossplainin’, especially if you actually have no idea what you are taking about. Make sure to lie about your residence address. That helps when getting checks and W2’s to you. Please if you do windows do not apply. We don’t want people who do windows…that’s hard work and we pay too much for people to work hard. If you offer “full service housekeeping”, make sure to require us to provide you with clean sheets to change the beds, cause you know, we know washing sheets is not what a housekeeper does but sometimes we are too lazy to get the sheets ready for your shift. Go ahead and fire us! Must be able to scratch polished chrome, nickel, and stainless steel with Comet and Brillo pads. Special skills of removing years of seasoning from all heritage cast iron cookware are highly preferred. Must swim in the pool and drink the liquor when we are away. Be certain to bring people we have never met into the house. Better yet, give someone else the passcode to our door and have them do the work for you when you know we will not be there. Whatever else, make certain the children of your other clients always pre-empt your commitments to us. Just don’t answer the phone nor reply to text and email for four weeks. Oh, and for sure, be offended and call us racist and discriminatory when we ask for proof of eligibility to work in the United States, completion of W9, and proof of vaccination. Don’t forget to say nasty things about our decor and assure us how happy will be with the Feng Shui after reorganizing our belongings that remain after you have decluttered us by throwing away most of it. Be highly insulted when asked why you provided only co-workers and relatives as references instead of supervisors, and why you are an officer of corporations suspended by Secretary of State officials in other states. Be even more insult that we asked what your last employer (you know, the one you do not want us to call for a reference) did that made you quit. Spend all the $1,500 advance deposits on binges of your favorite happy substances, then crash and don’t show up for work as scheduled - EVER Photograph our personal items and post them to your social media accounts. Since we did not have you sign a confidentiality agreement, what can we do? Don’t tell us about the restraining order your placed on your dangerous spouse, boyfriend, and business partner. When they track you down to our house, may sure to let them into our home and have a knock down drag out while we are home which necessitates calling the police. Break things but do not ever tell us about it.