in my head

Stockton CA

Description

It’s been over a year and I still think about you every day. After I left you, I got sober and I started therapy every Monday every week, 2 years. Now I can’t even figure out if I really loved you, I don’t understand if I still do or if it was just conditioning and from the abuse. My therapist believes that I got into the habit, the cycle of trying to appease you. But I’m not innocent, I became resentful and angry of never feeling good enough and never being able to trust you. You lied to me, you lied to your friends, you betrayed me and you cheated on me but that’s not the picture you painted for your family and friends is it. It’s crazy how much you’ve victimized yourself and never took accountability for the trauma that I experienced. But I miss you, I miss your smell, I miss your laugh, I miss your eyes, I miss your goofy Ways. I ache for you every day, every day. I wonder how much longer, I will miss you as if just today I said goodbye. They say time heals all but that’s a lie because I can still hear your voice say those hurtful words, they’re burned into my soul; wounds that will never heal. I haven’t dated anybody or been intimate with anyone but you and I often wonder if I’ll ever be able to. I have found ways to make sure that you hear I have moved on and then I’m living happily ever after; burning down the bridge so that I don’t cross back over in search of you. I had to leave, I had to lie to leave… I felt the cycle beginning again and I knew I wouldn’t survive… you using me until I ran empty. I hope you find happiness, I want that for you so bad even if it means me bearing this heartache forever, knowing that you have found peace and happiness will help me exhale. God, I so desperately just want to be loved, I so desperately want someone to just hold me in all my vulnerability.  I pray that I don’t leave this world without experiencing a love like I have for you.