Human behavior

Los Angeles CA

Description

Driving through the city at night has been my last fixation. There is a dangerous and curious aspect that I always think of when I do this. This has nothing to do with the sense of adventure but it has to do with intimate secrets I have and fantasies about meeting men of color (sorry for that term, but it's the only way CL might approve my text) at night city ​​streets. Dangerous? Yes, no doubt Pleasant? I confess that I feel pleasure. Have I found someone? Yes, in fact, many of them are street men, or homeless in different areas of the city, mainly in the center. Since I was very young (I am now 45 years old) I confess to being attracted to men of color, but the older ones always attract me much more than the younger ones. But I've always been very scared and afraid thinking and if one day something really bad happens – in the sense of being caught by my friends, who if they found out would certainly be shocked. Everyone considers me to be an ideal model of masculinity and of course no one knows how “happy” I feel when I meet these men on the streets. Yesterday for the first time I went to the streets of Inglewood – where I found some people watching me in my car from a distance. I was very excited but I noticed that some of them are even afraid of me and I understand if I was in their situation. There is indeed a feeling of discomfort on both sides... Yesterday I met two black men on these same streets and they were talking on a corner of the sidewalk, around 11 pm, I parked the car in a corner of the street and watched them both the distance. I imagined every kind of scenario possible and imaginable. I believe they noticed... but did nothing. The sense that I don't belong here is obvious, but I follow these wild instincts hoping that something positive – if there is such a possibility – will happen. The more I watch these men the more I desire them. I don't really know what to do. I have talked in the past with some of them who are genuinely good people in most cases that at some point in their lives something terrible happened. The worst thing is to think that it has a lot to do with discrimination and marginality and I just hope I'm not contributing to these statistics to spread even more in this very unfair world we live in. Sorry to write this text. Maybe I shouldn't but I don't have anyone to share these stories with. I would like to hear everyone's opinion, but it would be very interesting to hear the thoughts and impressions of some colored man who understands my point and explains to me how to act properly.