Need help/advice from anyone whose been cheated on

Louisville KY

Description

Well I just found out last Thursday evening that my partner since 2005 and wife since 2018 cheated on me with 2 different ppl last yr. I was a bad husband I didn't make her feel loved and didn't spend enough time with her. I have also struggled with addiction since 2008 so I've put her thru hell with that too. So it really hurts to know that it's my fault. I really started getting my shit together about 2yrs ago, shortly after my daughter was born. Unfortunately by the time I got my shit together it was too late and she had checked out. She's made it very clear over the past yr or so that she can't stand me, and I know that bc I felt it, I felt the fact she didn't like me anymore. Or love for that matter. She stopped telling me she loved me about 1.5yrs ago. Everything about me aggravates her. But we still had good spells that would last few weeks at a time so i still had hope but would never last. She tended to be kinda mean to me. No interest in listening to my interests. So she cheated last yr and confided in my sister who just now told me. My sis didn't want to wreck my family and she remembers me attempting suicide in 9th grade over a girl cheating so she didn't tell me. Long story short I need help, bad. I've literally been crying every day ever since. I go a hr or so at a time not crying. She decided she wanted to try and save our marriage and wants to go to counseling. I want the same. However my mind has been tormenting me with images of my wife with someone else. It's all I see when I close my eyes. I haven't ate or slept much since Fri 4/1. My eyes are all puffy from all the crying and I'm sick of ppl asking what's wrong. I need help. I want to forgive her but I don't know how. This is the one thing I've always told her I couldn't come back from. But I want to try, I don't want a divorce. I need help. Anyone whose been thru this and somehow found it in your heart to forgive that person, I need advice. Male or female perspective. Being cheated on is being cheated on male or female. Or if there's anyone who tried but failed to save their marriage, do you have any advice? What do u think went wrong? Also I have questions I feel like I need/want to ask about her cheating. Who, when, was it unprotected, how many times with each of the 2ppl,....lots of questions but i know I'm not going to like the answers but idk if I can move on without asking and hearing from her, how bad was it. Is it unhealthy to ask these questions? Again idk if I can move on without asking. Or am I just torturing myself? Help Please