Why ill never succeed on Craigslist

Durham NC

Description

I’ve been an avid reader, more than occasional poster and extremely rare responder of the Craigslist missed connections section for about 6 months now, and I’ve noticed some common (and hilarious) threads of interest among the women of the triangle area. I’d like to take a minute to break it down for you, so you can recognize the following horrific cliches and just maybe avoid getting flagged as spam. ReadySetGo!!!! “Seeking a man that’s at least 6 feet tall. I like to wear high heels” – Dang, totally not 6’ here. I’m only 5’9 or maybe 5’10′, apparently equaling “somewhere between midget and elf, and therefore undatable”, even though the average American male height is 5’10. And 6 feet tall? What kind of shoes are you wearing anyway? Something from the lunar landing? Next… “Must love animals” – Great… You mean I have to pretend to like your floofy poodle/chihuahua/norway rat mixed breed long enough to maybe earn some kisses? Or that huge mastiff that’s physically capable of booting me out of your bed? How about the cat that’s contemplating using my juevos as a scratching post every time I walk around in my boxers? I think I’ll exit stage right before the SOB eats my socks again. “Looking for a God-fearing man” – I get the biggest kick out of this one. Why would you be afraid of your own imaginary friend? Seems like you’d better imagine something a little less hostile. I’d suggest Papa Smurf. “Looking for friends first” – Cool, I’m always down for more friends. Wait, what’s that you say? Your hot friend Brittany is single? Excuse me while I ask her for her phone number. “I like having fun” – Whew, what a relief! I’m meeting too many people these days that think having fun is terrible. I’m a big fan of fun myself! We have so much in common. “Must like to dance” – Really? Have you ever met a straight guy that wants to go dancing? Wait, I take that back. I do know one guy, but he’s from Puerto Rico or something. Come to think of it, he’s probably gay. That’s right, Jorge – I’ve got you figured out. “I like going out, but also enjoy staying in for a quiet night at home” – That’s great, because staying home or going out and doing something are pretty much the only two options you have. So in conclusion, I say the luck of the Irish be with you lovely ladies of the triangle in your search for a Daniel Craig era James Bond lookalike that will dance the Macarena with Mr. Cuddlekins the Poodle whilst purchasing you an all-expenses-paid vacation to Maui. Just keep in mind that Mr. Bond is only 5’10. Send me a message if you want to chat.