Decades

Phoenix AZ

Description

I've always thought that I was a pretty honest person, but now you've got me questioning whether that is actually the case or not. Since you left I've had more time to think, and realize that maybe you were right about some things, not everything, but some. I didn't even see that I was telling you lies, I do now. What I want you to know is I was honest about most things. When I wasn't honest with you it's because I was conflicted on whether I should be honest or not. In the end I felt it wasn't the right time to tell you. What I told him, about having feelings for you, that was true. I told you that I really didn't, but I always have. The same goes for the gift, and when I said I liked a lot of space, basically anything that left me in a vulnerable position. I wanted to make sure I the best version of myself before I poured my heart out to you. I see now that a lot of what I was saying was the exact opposite of what I meant. Strong emotions tend to make me freeze up and/or run. That's why when you would get angry my first instinct was to jump out a window, therein avoiding the conflict altogether. I just didn't want to reveal myself too soon, not until I could level up with you. What I mean is, you don't have to tell me that you're quality. I already know that. You could have anyone that you wanted, you are high value. You are valuable to me. I know that in the past you wanted me too. I know I told you no. You asked me why, and I told you my heart wasn't free, but that wasn't entirely true, being as I was in an open relationship at the time. The truth is that the way I pictured it all happening was different then how it actually played out, so I think I dismissed it as not being what I wanted. I thought it would be something that we would just fall into, not a conversation that we had. I think it probably wouldn't have come as such a shock to me had we been been more physical or had we already been sleeping together at the time, because I would've known that it was more, and had time to then process things. When I am in a situation where I have feelings for someone, and they have them for me, I again freeze up or I straight up run. I know that was all in the past, and you don't feel anything for me now, but in my defense I wasn't planning on telling you any of this stuff until I was done getting myself in order, leveling up or whatever you want to call it. Another thing... When I expressed to you that I was unhappy with things, in my life, What I meant (but didn't want to tell you) was that I hadn't anticipated the health roadblocks I was going to be having on my way back to you. I'm still up for it though. You don't shy away from a challenge, and guess what, neither do I. You're important to me, you are my very best friend in the world, and It's hard for me to think about my life without you in it. I'm sorry, if I let you down, I hope that you will find your way back to me.