Depression, YouTube, And Regrets

Los Angeles CA

Description

I'm posting this here, because I'm not sure where else to post it. When I graduated film school, a decade and a half ago, I had access to a camera, and a computer, and a YouTube account. I could have made weekly vlog videos, but I didn't. Part of the issue was the camera I had was MiniDV, and not digital cards, so it was an extra step to digitize it in. It also was an extra step to edit, because I didn't have Final Cut; I had a really shitty Acer PC (the worst computer manufacturers), which eventually imploded. The other part of the issue was I was really aimless, and living in a shitty studio apartment that I nicknamed "the shack" that didn't have room to place a desk in, so I would have to edit while sitting in my bed, which would have fucked up my back. It's like filmmaking through an obstacle course. And yet, there is this nagging feeling in my brain, that I could have done more. And if I had done more, would I have broken through and been a successful filmmaker? Would I have had a career as an influencer? Would I have been happy? I don't know. And, I know, it's in the past, I can't change it, focus on the future, yada yada yada. But here's the thing, I don't know what to do in the future. I don't know what I should have done, and I don't know what I should do going forward. I just don't know, and it weighs down on me.