Needed to vent no where to turn

Newark NJ

Description

So basically me andy ex gf (we are 30) broke up late April. We both were involved with other people over the summer. She was involved with 2 seemingly liking one of them. I slept around with 9 women basically detached just looking to be back with her. During the summer we have connected tried to work on things see how it would turn, lately me and her have spent alot of time together, talks of growing a relationship again. The dark part is I have gone thru her phone numerous times. I have texted her from fake numbers and basically seek me out for comfort. Lately it's been weighing on my conscience and if I tell her these things she will never talk to me again. I know I have been acting crazy deal with Bipolar Disorder and have recently gotten therapy and medication but it takes time. Like for 2 hours I was calling the guy she was seeing over the summer from a fake number. I blocked his number on her phone she didn't have the number saved and deleted his text thread she hasn't texted him in a while and she seemingly is looking to move on from the situation. Idk I'm having issues and I think if we got back together I would deal with issues of trust with her. I don't want to feel this way. I just feel lost overall