Erica F.

Iowa City IA

Description

I don't know if this is a prudent idea, but here goes nothing... We met seven years ago, after a lengthy time sending messages to each other over a popular online medium. You were going through an incredibly rough time and needed some companionship, and I was a crushingly lonely man choking to death in a suburb of a major city. We mused about a day when we could meet each other; a change of romantic fortunes that we both desperately needed. Completely out of character for me at the time, I bit the bullet and told you that I would travel to Iowa City to meet you, and I think we both felt genuine happiness for the first time in ages. We spent a weekend together. It wasn't glamorous, but it was a lovely time, at least for me. The bed rarely saw us out of it, and I both felt and was completely shit-scared of the connection we were forming in such a short timespan. It freaked me out something fierce, and I was panicing internally. After I left, we had some further online contact before I made the childish decision to ghost you; I had, in my infinitely immature mindset, determined that you weren't worth persuing if you weren't convenient to my location. I hit a severely low point not long after that, and had to make a significant life change for the sake of my own mental health. I packed up everything and moved to that major city, and cultivated a new life there. After a rocky start and a few speed bumps along the way, I managed to carve out a situation I could be proud of, and thankfully still exists to this day. I've about that weekend off and on over the years, mostly because I was unstable and unreliable in a time where you needed a lifeline more than anything. Through the course of therapy, I realized that I really just used you for a cheap gain and disappeared when the feelings got too scary to handle at the time. I was still learning to be a human and not a colossal monster to everyone around me, but admittedly that's not much of an excuse for why I bailed on you. I wanted this to be a lot of things. A confession. An apology. An olive branch for past misdeeds. A miniscule hope that you might somehow see this and know that you were and are enough, for all good people. You had a lot of issues and baggage, but nothing so egregious as to deserve me dangling the proverbial carrot in front of you so unintentionally callously. I've been ashamed of myself for treating you in such a way for a long, long time, and I kind of felt like pouring my heart out about it. It may not absolve me of anything, and that's ok. I'm not that person anymore. Mostly, I just really hope you're alright. -B