Oh, what a year.

Pittsburgh PA

Description

I've had what most would likely consider a pretty crumby life. It's had it's high points, to be certain, though overall the picture is all distorted and out of focus. What little of a functioning life I have is now being spent (blessedly) completely renovating my living room. This has already taken several weeks of work and I anticipate many more before it's done. This distraction has been needed as I have no idea what else to do at this point. I broke up with my ex earlier this year. Things hadn't been going well for a long time, we had broken up twice before in the prior months, and I had been talking to someone online who helped me realize how miserable I was making myself staying in the relationship. This was the final time. In the weeks following this, she ended up trying to commit suicide in my basement bathroom. Finding her and cleaning that was one of the most devastating things I've ever had to go through. I still see it when I close my eyes, six months later. Shortly after this, I found out my 15 year old cat, who has been my very best friend and with me through the hardest parts of my life, is going to die from cancer. He's thankfully showing no signs of pain but it's clear that my time with him is very limited. I have agoraphobia, which has increasingly been getting worse since the pandemic and it already was bad enough to warrant disability, and even keeping my PCP appointments has been greatly challenging. I've had a card for a recommended therapist from my doc that's been collecting dust on my desk for months. The panic is simply too great to make that call (and all the other calls/things I have to do in order to get there). I bought this house and moved here from across the state hoping for a new beginning... this isn't what I had in mind, folks.