Saying hi to ghosts

Chicago IL

Description

The problem with saying hi to ghosts is that you want to hug them, kiss them, tell them how much you love them even though they don't know you. I deliver to your company daily, and when I see you, I feel like I've woken from a horrible nightmare for the past 31 years. There you are, looking exactly the way she did back then, the night her life was cut short. I think you've noticed the look of shock I have, the pause in my step, the shaky voice and sharp intake of breath as I see you. I'm sorry, I can't help it, and I can't stop it. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. For a split second I've forgotten everything, and I'm 15 again, and she's alive and its all been a nightmare fog. I want to hug you, kiss you, tell you how much I love you, tell you about this fucked up nightmare life I've dreamed where you killed yourself, and I eventually moved on without you. Then reality sets in. A sharp stuttering breath to hold back the tears and a puppet like walk past you back to my harsh reality that you are not her. I know you're not her because the world stopped for us every time we saw each other. Nothing mattered except each other. Across a room, in the hall of school, even the slightest brush of our hands at home, nobody else, nothing else existed if we saw or were near each other. You barely know I exist, although I am painfully aware of you. I don't even know your name, and in a way, I'm afraid to ask. What would happen if you have the same name? I wouldn't be able to control the grief and tears. I told the guard the story, since she knows me pretty well and asked what had me shaken. Shed never seen me freaked out like this. I guess she mentioned it to you, I don't know if its true. But if you read this, come find me at my usual time. Say hi, introduce yourself, suggest lunch together, whatever. Help me get this out of my head. Maybe I can stop loving a ghost that doesnt know me. Or let me just hug you so I can hold on to that feeling one last time.