You were never mine, but you were amazing!!!

Hillsboro OR

Description

I'm seriously ready to make a few major changes in my life, I have to, or its game over for me. Ive just never been this down, or felt so damn low before in my life. And I don't think I've ever been so saddened or felt so damn defeated either. I'm so very desperate for a change in my life but don't know where to turn or where to even begin. I feel so helpless, so hopeless and very very discouraged because of the horrible situation that I've gotten myself into. I won't point fingers cause I truly have nobody to blame, but me for where I'm at today. So as of today, I'm holding myself accountable for all of my wrong doings and will continue to keep doing so from here on out. Unfortunately, I'm sad to say that I've never been able to feel completely content or truly happy in my life. Anything good always comes to an end for me. Maybe its because Ive always focused on the pain that suffocates me, the hurt that no one else can see, inside of me. Ive been selfish, ive always needed more, yet, ive given nothing in return even close to comparable. I guess you could call me a spoiled brat who needs to be in control at all times and definitely has to have it her way. And because of me being that mean, rude miserable spoiled brat I've lost everything that I ever loved in my life. Ive let those people down and hurt them to save myself I guess. For their sake, I believe it's for the best, but for my sake, its equally paralyzing. I'm tired of being alone, im so sick of being left behind, thrown away, abandoned and just forgotten all together by the ones who are supposed to love me the most. Yes, I am very aware that ive got tons of personal issues... I'm totally insecure with almost everything inside of me. I have always used self sabotage as my weapon of choice, maybe its so I have the upper hand and the choice in who I allow to hurt me, how badly they are able to hurt me...so instead, i bring the hurt on for myself before anyone else can... This has been such a horrible and destructive way to live a life and has got me absolutely nowhere good. Its caused me to ruin a great relationship with a truly amazing man who only wanted to see me be myself, he was so patient, kind and understanding and all he wanted was for me to be completely happy in my life, my life with him...and despite his many admirable efforts, he has simply become exhausted and his flame that one burned bright with love has now turned to coal and ashes. To him, I want to apologize sincerely, from the bottom of my rotten and scarred heart. You deserve someone who can and will go above and beyond to give you the same amazing love that you wasted on me for the last 2 years. I will forever cherish the many great memories that you and I have shared and will forever be grateful for your unconditional and very patient love while it lastakk You showed me that there is still hope, but I messed that all up in the end like I always do. We did some pretty great stuff together and if I could have made some changes and tried harder to be the woman that you sooo deserved, I know we WOULD have really changed the world as a couple, we could have moved mountains and made a real difference for the better. But, I'm miserable and I couldnt even move past the pain and because of my bad choices we are both suffering and hurting horribly. I'm sorry for that...I hope you'll still pray for me as I will keep doing for you. And I pray that you can forgive me and not hate me one day for letting you down in the end. Please just know and believe me when I say that even if you can't try anymore, (i cant blame you) I'll never stop trying to be a better me...You asked me not to, and I havent and won't as long as I live, I promise. Im asking for your prayers tonight, for the strength to see my self destructive ways and make better decisions in any and all of my relationships and that I'm able to change my self sabotaging ways and that I can someday find true happiness within myself and find a way to love me, despite my many flaws. Thanks! God bless!