State of California Issues New List of White-Free Words

Eureka CA

Description

Effective immediately the following words are not permitted to be used in public areas of the Free State of California: • whitewash: please use the more clinically appropriate 'sterilize'. • whitewall: please use the phrase 'colonially distinguished'. • whitehead: please use the phrase 'pus-swollen'. • whitening agents: are now known as 'color sterilizing' agents. • whiteboards: are now referred to as 'colored blackboards'. • whitewater: is now to be referred to as 'physically wake' water. • Whitewater: to be described as 'mythical'. • whiteness: is to be referred to as 'a lack of color'. May also be described as 'soulless'. • whitecaps: will be described as 'visually turbulent wave forms' or 'surface phenomena'. • whiteouts: will now be described as 'snow super-saturation'. • white elephants: will now be known as 'sterilized pachyderms'. • You may not say 'white as the driven snow'. You may say 'as colorless as the driven snow'. • You may not say 'white as a sheet'. White sheets are forbidden to possess. Anyone possessing a white sheet will be presumed to be a secret member of the Ku Klux Klan. Unless you're not white. Then, it's cool. • White lies: forbidden. • White knights: forbidden. • White Christmas: the approved phrase is 'multispectral Kwanzaa'. • It is no longer legal to 'bleed someone white'. You must bleed them 'pink' or bleed them 'purple'. • Facts may no longer be conveyed as being 'black and white'. That is misogynistic. The new phraseology is "spectrally nuanced". • white rice: is cancelled. There is only brown rice. Remember to soak it for a few days before you cook it. It's for your own good, Asians. • white flags: The symbol for surrender is now a black flag. Future members of MOVE-like organizations, please take note. • white coats: doctors and dentist will now be required to wear cafe-au-lait coats. • pearly whites: all teeth must now be referred to as teeth. • White House: will be repainted and is henceforth to be referred to as the "Rainbow House" or "House of Rainbows". • White Hat: it is illegal to describe oneself as a 'White Hat'. The preferred term is now "digital rapist" or "premeditated computer felon". • Great White Father: this term has been retired in favor of the alternative "congenital liar". Please make a note of it. • white trash: Will continue to be known as "white trash", although some have suggested this is redundant. • white wine: Will now be described as "pale" or "sparkling". • white-collar employment: Is now to be described as "managerial" employment. • white bread: Has been outlawed. There is only wheat bread now. See "white rice". • white flour: Has been outlawed for rhyming with "white power". There is only wheat flour available now. Stone-ground! It's good for you, comrade! See, also, "white rice". • white sale: see "white sheet". • white man's burden: Has been replaced by the phrase, "genocidal colonial psychosis". • white flight: This phrase has been replaced by the term, "defenestration". • white magic: This has been replaced by black magic at all levels. Please make a note of it. • white wedding: Obsolete. The preferred term today is "mixed race wedding". • white-van man: The preferred term is "suspected child molester". Please make a note of these new terms and use them where you would have previously used the, now, banned terminology. First violations are a misdemeanor. Second violations are a felony. Have a nice day!