an embarrassed jayhawk

Davis CA

Description

I should feel horrible, and I do a little. I don't want to hurt anyone or disrupt anyone's life, but what I feel worse about is that I still can't stop thinking about what ALMOST happened. I can't stop thinking about you. I'm not really sure what it was, I've never been this kind of person. In fact, I've shut down similar situations without thinking twice about it. The next day, I couldn't believe that I considered it. Yes, I was drunk. Yes, I was flattered. Yes, we had a connection (or you were good at faking it). You were so honest and spoke with such ease but maybe you just have that much game? I couldn't help but wonder if you had done that before? Either way, it worked. It's been a long time since I've wanted something that much. We probably would have hated ourselves in the morning and maybe that's just it. That it didn't happen, leaving me feel so dissatisfied, making me want it that much more. I thought I would just let it go, but I found myself googling you when I got home, I mean why did I do that? I wasn't going to reach out directly, I'm not a monster. But here I am, writing a craigslist add, I mean who does this? I know you probably won't see this, and even if you did, nothing can happen... I guess I just feel like if I don't put this energy somewhere I'm going to f*cking burst. So for the time being, I guess I'll just have to live with the "what could've been" memories of it, to keep me warm at night. At least until I get over it. Until then, I'll just live with the little cliche I've become. I'm sorry for my part in all of this... well, only a little sorry.