Our Relationships Were Stressed During The Pandemic, But Many Will Emerge Stronger

San Diego CA

30 May, 2021

8:52 AM

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By Lindsay Kramer, Times of San Diego May 29, 2021 During this pandemic, we all have experienced some form of stress. We have been impacted by the losses of our daily and community infrastructure, our identities as fully functional people, and our certainty about the immediate and remote future.The stress of the pandemic has put us in a prolonged period of tension, which I call a "state of suspended angst." It leaves us waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop and wondering when things will ever return to what we know as "normal." Constantly waiting for things to get better — or having to brace for the worst — has a tremendous impact on our physical and mental health, activities of daily living and relationships. Even the healthiest relationships are not immune to stress. Stress often has a tendency to spill over into our relationships with the people closest to us, the people we're the most "real" with. They see the good, the bad and the gritty.When you go out into the world, you know that you have to exercise self-control in coping with stress in order to comply with social norms. Yet, if you've used up all of your self-control in "keeping it together" during the day, you may not have the energy left to spare for loved ones.Our guards may be down, but our stress may not be resolved. So, our partners subsequently experience all of the negative emotions we just can't keep in anymore. This doesn't mean that all relationships have suffered permanently from the pandemic. In fact, some relationships may have improved as couples dealt with the stressors together. However, it is inevitable that other relationships have worsened under such extreme duress.The stress of this crisis has been a constant that inevitably impacts how we communicate, emote, problem-solve and respond compassionately to one another. If both partners are under stress and don't have the tools to cope with their emotional and mental states, the negative impact may be exponential.When each person's stress impacts the other, the result can be that they begin to view their relationships more negatively, begin feeling less supported by their partners, and gradually start to shut down. We don't always have tools or resources to recognize this as it's happening, so the result can be similar to that of a sinking ship, with both partners going down with it. To avoid allowing the pandemic to negatively affect your relationship, consider the qualities of your relationship before the pandemic. Ask yourself if there are strengths in the relationship that are being overshadowed by the pandemic, and if you can you find a way to reconnect with those areas.What's more, you need to identify and confront the relationship's challenges, pandemic-related or not: It's important to recognize who our safe harbors are and where our support comes from. If your partner is your number-one support person, it's crucial to remember that this person is on your team.When it comes to challenging conversations with your "teammate," try these suggestions to turn them into constructive talks: It is important to remember that the pandemic — and period of increased stress — will have an end. Have grace with one another, try to let go of grudges and blame, seek to choose forgiveness over condemnation, and take one day at a time.Ultimately, if any couple can survive this pandemic together, my bet is that they will be an incredibly strong couple when it's all over because of the skills they've learned in the process. Lindsay Kramer, MFT, is the lead therapist of the Dual Intensive Outpatient Program at Sharp Mesa Vista Hospital. Times of San Diego is an independent online news site covering the San Diego metropolitan area. Our journalists report on politics, crime, business, sports, education, arts, the military and everyday life in San Diego. No subscription is required, and you can sign up for a free daily newsletter with a summary of the latest news.