Why can't you sleep, what were you thinking about?

high, Eugene OR

Description

The scale of the universe; being ok with dying alone but worried about living alone; wondering if my neighbor is off sleeping with someone, wondering why I’m wondering about my neighbor sleeping with someone; swiping tinder, deleting tinder, installing coffee meets bagel -- resolving to not care about anything while actually caring about everything; wondering if staying very still with my eyes closed counts as some form of sleep; thinking that if I just eat baked chicken and broccoli, for like a month, I could probably lose some weight; wondering if I have cartilage damage in my knees; lamenting how I wasted my youth while realizing lamenting my youth means I’m wasting the present; thinking I’m overdue for a good cry; thinking about relationships and dogs; thinking about making music; wishing I could move somewhere else; thinking about my sister and her husband's new house; wondering how long I’ll live and if it will hurt when I die; knowing that sometimes I need to just sit and feel hurt, feel happiness, feel sadness, and feel apathy; wondering if the block universe is real and if it is real, is the multiverse also real and which one am I in; thinking about the Sea and nursing school and a blonde cattle ranchess and the flat windswept holler that is Eastern Oregon and how right now it feels like I’m in that flat space but everyday I’m getting closer to the foothills and does that mean I’m closer to dying; and information preserved in black holes; wondering if my parents are ok; remembering the bat show; thinking about friends, wondering how many of us are going to have kids and if I'm going to have a kid; alternating between lying on my back and my side and my stomach and being totally aware of my breathing and how fleeting and temporary existence is, which means nihilism and happiness are arbitrary, so why not just pick happy?