Every day I wonder...

Austin TX

Description

It's been so long but also not long at all. It will always feel like yesterday. It was heaven sent or so I thought. I felt that someone finally understood me, accepted me for who I am, may be the person that I knew I could count on always being there for the rest of my life...no matter what happened. You told me that once. I wish you hadn't given me that hope. Now everything just feels empty...this life. Every day just seems closer to the release of the imprisoned misery that I endure every day. It persists...even today...it feels like it always will. You thought you were hurt but, you've healed, you've made a new life with new friends and new lovers. I am happy for you... truly... I want you to be happy. This feeling of being completely crushed while not being mad...while still wanting the best for you...it's how I know the love I have for you is real. Here it will sit in my heart forever, no matter what you say to me or how you treat me. You'll continue to move on, meet the "right" one and even have the children you always wanted. Your life is still all ahead of you. You'll create memories, develop friendships, have loved ones and a family and grow older with a legacy that carries long after your passing. Mine is now over, long before it's true end. It's a dried, shriveled shell of crushed dreams, aspirations that never came to light and a waste of potential that seems unworthy of having the privilege of living the healthy, long life that so many good people are robbed of. I just wanted to know....to know that it was the right decision. I'll never know...and I'll live with the regret of never trying for the rest of my life. What could have been? What life might have been lived? What would "goodbye" have felt like being surrounded by a family that loved me? I'll never know, instead I'll remain here...incomplete and broken...until the end, always wondering what might have been and how much of this pain was necessary.