Humboldt County Issues Arrest Warrant For Swiss Hero; Ruckus Ensues

Eureka CA

Description

Dumboldt News Services (DNS), EUREKA: According to papers filed in Humboldt County Superior Court, local child court judge Christopher Wilson has ordered the county's Child Welfare Services personnel to take into custody a twelve-year-old boy, named Walter Tell. Judge Wilson has also issued an arrest warrant for his father, William Tell, a frequent trespasser and poacher whose preference for silenced weapons has made him a #1 target for local enforcement efforts, to no avail. William Tell was seen, recently, in the Arcata Town Square, carrying a large crossbow strapped across his back. He had a dead yearling slung across one shoulder, and was quaffing a pint of mead at a local watering hole favored by Libertarians and other ne'er-do-wells. He is thought to be armed, and dangerous. If you see anyone resembling him, please do not confront him yourself - please contact the local police. Mr Tell is also wanted for letting his son, Walter, quaff some aged cider - which, it is suspected, may have fermented, allowing the child to consume ethanol molecules for which no excise tax had been collected. Local tax collector, Albrecht Gessler, told this reporter that proceedings had been initiated to render Mr Tell homeless by seizing his hut, his chickens, and his goats, in lieu of taxes for which Mr Tell was already in arrears. Mr Tell's former wife, Hedwig Tell, has filed for divorce, with the assistance of the local witches' coven - as well as filing for a restraining order with the local authorities, demanding that Mr Tell remain well outside of bowshot range of his wife and her children at all times. We are still looking for volunteers to enforce this boundary, for the county, which is currently short of law enforcement personnel and mindful of Mr Tell's well-earned reputation as the best archer in Switzerland - capable of splitting an apple, at 100 yards, on the first shot. Mr Tell and his son Walter are currently believed to be hiding somewhere in the Arcata Community Forest. If you see anyone, anywhere, who may be male, age 12, please call the authorities. At last report, a representative of the Swiss Consulate Office was on their way north with a conflict resolution team armed with CDs of the William Tell Overture, copies of Friedrich Schiller's play, William Tell, and hundreds of pounds of Swiss chocolates - intended to lubricate diplomatic efforts at smoothing over the fracas and returning their errant hero to his home country before the Department of Homeland Security gets involved and someone gets hurt. The diplomats are accompanied by a large white tour bus, equipped with satellite navigation and wireless Internet, leased by Apple Computer. It is filled, with process servers and lawyers bearing cease & desist letters - the bus will act as a local command center for Apple's legal team as they deploy to address this latest threat to the integrity of their corporate branding efforts, and will be parked, with the county's approval, next to the Humboldt County Correctional Facility - to expedite access to Judge Wilson's chambers and personnel, during hours when the court is open. Coast Guard Humboldt Bay has deployed a pair of drones equipped with infrared cameras to monitor the Arcata Community Forest for the fugitives, but, so far, every contact reported has involved homeless college students, camping, illegally. No crossbows have been found - only the usual assortment of Glocks, ghost guns, and banana clips. We'll have more on this narrative, as it evolves. More information, for the easily confused: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Tell