Drinking

McKinleyville CA

Description

When you stopped drinking and started using your personality and mind again, I was so grateful. With my toddler on my hip I became so excited for a life with you. You said you wanted another baby. You said you wanted to marry me. You wrote me 5 page essays on all the things you loved about me. You promised to always be faithful and kind to me. To always love me on good days and bad. You wanted to cook healthy meals for me to soothe my health issues. You made me feel so good, so happy, so blessed. You cared about my dreams and my needs. It's been a year or so since we've been back together. The bliss was so short lived. We weren't back together long before you came home, eyes swimming, that fermented and familiar smell on your breath. The slightest wobble in your gate. I asked "did you have a beer?" You said "no! Why would you ask me that?!" I rested my case. After that you stopped lying about it and it became the norm again. Boozing, fighting, lying, hiding. I laid in bed for months. I quit my job, I quit cleaning, cooking, caring. The depression for me as the sober one felt greater than the vast and distant space between us. Yes I gained weight. I stopped taking care of myself. I had just enough energy for our daughter and all other attempts were failed and futile. When I think of my future with you I see betrayal, heartache, suicide, deprivation. When I think of my future without you I see health, determination, motivation, sobriety and self love. I guess that is the answer when I ask myself, "what should I do next?"