FIGHTING ALCOHOLISM - HELP

Fort Worth TX

Description

Want to get your take on what is going on, I'm wondering about a few things indicated by ? mark I been drinking for 35 years casually, but for last few years it has intensified Not sure if it was related but toxicity of my body probably contributed to me having colon cancer last year, I Lived I have talked to therapist, been to AA, gone cold turkey, but somehow I can't leave it It comes down to my mind On one hand I'm clear I don't want to die, I want to live, but at the same time, I like the buzz so I also drink Since my desire to drink somehow always wins, which will lead to cancer re-occurrence or something else, does it mean I don't want to live? My friend tells me - You don't know who you are, You don't know what you want, You lack self definition, I don't know how to fix it, do you? I grew up poor, so as an adult I learned to make money, have everything one could want, but can't say I'm content, why? There are people who love life, can't wait to get up and do more of what they do, I don't have anything like that, I get up feel guilty? I have tried to stay busy by helping others, but most people don't want to work at it, they would rather get a handout Seeing me trying to help people, my friend says, its nothing more than me seeking self definition? How does one find their passion, something that can totally consume them. I'm spiritual person, and I do have the option of advancing thus desire to sit and meditate, but its very hard for me to sit? Any input is appreciated, Thank you