Understood

Florence SC

Description

This is sitting in my notes section. February 6 is when I wrote it. If you are reading this just know that it was cut and paste into the message you’re currently reading. Don’t know if it will ever get sent to you but I had to type it out because you are just so wrong about what you said. You said your peace and got things off of your chest and I want this weight off of mine too. First, you were not at the field. I left work two hours early to try and at least see you. I drove into the first parking lot and parked at the fence. There were kids on the field. I stared at every single face out there and yours was not one of them. All of the kids were varsity aged boys. Then I went and parked beside the gym. I drove around multiple times until someone pulled out of a spot that would let my car face you as you drove to the field so that I knew you would at least know I was there. Every single time that door opened I looked for you. Every break I got up to see if you were in the cafeteria. And you said that if I had wanted to see you I would have said something? I did. When it was rescheduled for the second time we were at odds. You asked me though if I still wanted you to come. I told you of course. You said that you were going to be there anyhow because you would have at least gotten a chance to see me. That was still my understanding. I never thought you wouldn’t show. The week before I picked my outfit. The night before I was so nervous I couldn’t sleep. The day of I woke up an hour early to curl my hair and try to get pretty for you. At work I could not concentrate but could only imagine locking eyes again. At the game I fingered the Blistex until it was warm waiting. When it was over I walked around my car just in case you had left a note. I drove back to the other parking lot to see if maybe you were at practice then and all of the lights on the field were off. That’s when my heart broke. I knew then that you had chosen to drive away. You expound on when you went out of your way to see me, and I loved it more than you will ever know. But you then belittle the efforts I have made. They are meaningless and subpar to yours even though all of my plans have to be made with the addition of not having to go your way for work (which you have to come my way for part of yours) and the fact that I am insanely rarely alone because it’s not just me in the car most days (which you don’t have to contend with). What I do is never good enough and who I am is never good enough (as you proved by throwing my mental health into play telling me I need to embrace my un-crazy side). That was so damn low. I would never pull your struggles into this. I don’t expect a response. I don’t want a response. I’m not going to be looking for a response. It is clear our realities of what happened then and in the past will never match up. But just always remember I tried. And I wanted. And when I knew it would never materialize, I broke.